When it comes to parenting philosophies, I think I’m closest in spirit to Tom Hodgkinson, who last February wrote this lovely article called, “Idle Parenting Means Happy Children.” So much of the article resonated me, but I think my favorite was this:
My idea of childcare is a large field. At one side is a marquee serving local ales. This is where the parents gather. On the other side, somewhere in the distance, the children play. I don’t bother them and they don’t bother me. I give them as much freedom as possible.
I have a garden. I plant things in it. When I remember, I water those plants. Usually I don’t. And somehow–fertile ground, good conditions, sheer luck–those plants thrive. I get big bouncing beautiful tomatoes at the end of the summer. I call it Gardening by Neglect.
Now, I’m not saying I’m Child Rearing by Neglect. But I do think that self-sufficiency is a good thing. The other day, Doodles and Pie were playing in the front yard, while I was sitting in a yard chair, leafing through a magazine.
Doodles: Mommy, pitch to me!
Me: No.
Doodles: Pul-lease! Pitch to me!
Me: Mommy does not pitch. Ask Pie to pitch.
Doodles: But Pie doesn’t pitch well. You pitch!
Me: The only reason I had Pie was so you could have a playmate. Now go play with her.
Of course, that probably serves me right when five minutes later I heard a thud that was the dull sort of sound that can only mean a child’s skull is caving in. The screams of agony didn’t help.
Doodles: It was an accident!
Pie [clutching a bright red cheek]: AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaaa!
Doodles: It was an accident! You know she doesn’t pitch well. So I got close so I could hit the ball.
I call it good parenting that he only had a plastic bat, as I refuse to buy him a wooden bat, so Pie wasn’t seriously injured. I assuaged all hurt feelings (and guilt) with a few extra shows.
But as I’ve mentioned before, Doodles is exhibiting signs of a need for independence. I respect this. I understand this. He’s getting ready to enter kindergarten and it’s normal for a separation process to begin. He’s at an age where he wants to do–and can do–many things on his own. Doodles can use a knife to cut his own French toast. He can turn on the iPod himself, but due to limited reading skills, he has to take whatever song is on. He can get his own yogurt out of the fridge, dress himself (including doing all buttons and tying up lace shoes), go by himself to the bathroom at the Res (the local swimming hole), recite his address and phone number, and countless other things that seem to multiply daily. But there is a limit to what he can–and is allowed–to do. On the no list: Driving a car. Drinking beer. Crossing the street by himself. Swimming in the Res without a grown-up watching him. Jumping from the top of his dresser. All things he will dispute. All things I stand firm on. All things that will cause a serious interval of pouting. The stubbornness and pouting when he doesn’t get what he wants and the plain old not listening is making me insane! (I actually heard Adam tell him he was being “fresh” the other night. “Fresh.” Take that Ward Cleaver!)
In a quest to conquer our stand-offs, I’m returning to a world I had left behind: the world of parenting books. But finding the right parenting books is a pain. After all, we’re cosleepers so we must be attachment parents. But wait! I let my kids scream and don’t go running at every tale of woe. So I must be a Babywise parent. But wait! I try to inject strong Jewish values in my parenting. So I must be a follower of Wendy Mogel. Pie actually went to visit the great and good Doctor Ferber, so perhaps it’s at his altar we should be bowing?
You see my dilemma? I don’t have a stand. And in the world of parenting books, you need a stand. I’m currently reading the highly recommended Playful Parenting, which tells me to do the one thing I really don’t have any interest in doing: playing with my kids. For, seemingly, hours on end. This seems to me to be an uber-attachment philosophy, always open to my children to stop, drop, and play.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m always open to a dance party (definitely in if it includes little naked tushies), happy to read stories, and can certainly be talked into doing a craft project or two. But I’m not a “throw the ball, get on the climber, toss ’em into the Res” kind of mom. But this playful parenting thing seems to go to an extreme, as evidenced even by the author who, by his own examples, frequently slips and forgets to be playful.
So I’m on the search for parenting books that fit my non-philosophical parenting philosophy. I’ve gotten some recommendations from friends (and I’m dying to know about this $115 parenting book. It’s not even anywhere in our entire library system, which consists of “35 public and 6 college libraries in the Metrowest region of Massachusetts”!) and I’m wading through the stacks on my shelves that have been ignored all these years. So, in attempt to embrace all my parenting non-philosophies, my current reading list includes: Raising Your Child to Be A Mensch; Children: The Challenge; the aforementioned Playful Parenting; The No-Cry Discipline Solution; the one my own mother swore by all those years, Parent Effectiveness Training; and just for good measure, Siblings Without Rivalry.
What does this all mean? It means in a matter of minutes after opening each book, I’ll throw it down and through a little temper tantrum of my own. “Why oh why,” I’ll scream, “can’t they just get to the point!” These books have so much filler garbage to justify the cover price and all I want is the information. You know, for the same price as I’d pay for the hardcover–no, for more than I’d pay for the hardcover–I’d pay for a pamphlet that distills all the necessary information without all the filler necessary for them to charge a hardcover price. Think about it, publishers!
So, unless anyone can come up with some easy summaries for me, I’m off to bury myself beneath the avalanche of books. Because, let’s face it, if I just stay hidden long enough, this phase too shall pass and I’ll be looking for the answer to some other problem! Meanwhile, I’ll be on the far side of the playground. Drinking my ale. Come join me!
Have you read Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld?
Wow, what great reviews its gotten! I’ll have to add that one to the list… Thanks!
See, you have to wonder if it costs $115, does it come with a nanny?
Plus, by the time you’ve read the book, haven’t the kids outgrown that stage anyway?
hey jenny,
i don’t read any parenting books. “what to expect…” traumatized me, i guess. i do remember watching “mindful parenting” (jon kabat zinn) and really enjoying it. in fact, i do follow that philosophie, although it is probably easier for me since i have much less time with pepe than you have with pie and doodles.
I like Doctor Spock. The book I have is ‘Baby and Child Care’, and I’m pretty sure it was bought when Daphne was a baby. Anything he says that I agree with is obviously correct and sensible; anything I disagree with is because things were different back then. It’s very affirming.
My mother used Dr. Spock when she was raising me, which is as big an argument for not using it as I’ve ever heard. 🙂