This weekend, I unfurled a c*ondom for my son. He was fascinated, checking out the texture, noting that it was a little slimy. Turned it around a few times. Tried rolling it up. Handed it back when he was done.
Cue the Afterschool Special music. It’s that time. The boy and I, we’re talking puberty!
In truth, I think the boy is a little young for “the talk.” First off, I am lucky enough to have friends who have been through this whole boy thing, and from what I see, it’s somewhere around 4th or 5th grade that boys stop talking to their moms, at least about anything of substance. In 5th grade they cover these topics in school, which is great, but I’d prefer that’s not the first place he gets that information. Secondly, he’s been asking tough questions for a while. A few months ago, he realized someone had a very young mother. He quickly did the math in his head and declared, “That can’t be right. Don’t you legally need to be eighteen years old to have a baby?” And, finally, I’ve seen some of those 4th grade girls. They aren’t getting the talk; they’re living the talk.
Of course, once he gets older and is too embarrassed to talk to his mom, he can always ask Adam his questions.
Wait, hold on a minute.
Okay, I’m done laughing. Just thinking about Adam trying to talk to the boy about s*ex or his body sends me into the giggles. The boy was looking over Adam’s shoulder a week ago and read about something being “o*rgasmic.” Apparently, the boy logically asked, “What’s ‘o*rgasmic’?”
Adam: Aren’t you reading that book with your mom?
The boy: Yeah.
Adam: Have you covered o*rgasms yet?
The boy: No.
Adam: Well… you will.
So the boy and I are reading
Can I just say… wow? Puberty wasn’t so scary when I was growing up. It’s a fine line, trying to give the boy facts and not scaring the living hell out of him. The scariest thing when I was a kid was gonorrhea and pregnancy and being “cheap” (seriously, the gym teacher who taught our s*ex ed class used to talk about Susie S*lut). Now the books talk about IVF, the different forms families can take, used needles, AIDS, how HIV is and is not spread. Not a one of those things existed when I was learning this stuff.
The book tries to lighten the topics with cute cartoons, and they work to a certain extent, but it’s still slightly terrifying. I stop reading now and then and give him quizzes. “What’s the only sure way to not get pregnant?” (“Abstinence.”) “What is the only way a c*ondom is going to help protect you?” (“Using a new one every single time.”) He’s getting it down pat. I even told him his first dirty joke. (“What’s long and hard and full of seamen?”) He liked that. And I can rest assured that when the kids start joking around at school, he may not always get the joke, but he’ll at least know what they’re talking about.
We’re almost done with the book. We’re both surviving. And it’s good practice. Because in two more years, I’ve got to do this all over again. Unfurl the c*ondoms!
Oh my . . . lol. My husband had the talk with our son last summer (before entering 4th grade), but I don’t think it was NEARLY in depth as the talk you had with yours, lol. Actually I know it wasn’t, especially since he started the talk with, “You know when you see a dog on top of another dog?” ;o)
Angela, that just cracked me up. Well, if you need someone to go more in-depth, let me know and I’ll hop on a plane! I bring visual aids!
Great post! Very entertaining. I’m not looking forward to the s*ex discussions with my kids. Alas, it must be done. Keep up the awesome work!