the pieces of my life

Things in this house that were either misguided, misconstrued, or just plain old wrong (or, in other words, the reason my life of clean living has come to an abrupt end and why I hid in my bedroom until Teen Beach Movie was over and I had to force five tweens to brush their teeth and go to sleep):

• I think the boy can handle a phone. He gets so much computer time, I don’t think controlling himself with a phone will be challenging
• From Adam upon our return from New York: “There’s laundry in the washer and the dryer. If you want, you can take the stuff out of the dryer and move in the stuff from the washer.” [He didn’t appear pleased when I responded, “No, thanks. I don’t want.”]
• Having a sleepover the night after we get back from New York won’t be a big deal. How tired could Pie be after just one late night at the theater?
• Pizza? Who needs pizza at the party? We’ll make our own sushi!
• Making sushi should be a cinch. I mean, I’ve eaten enough rolls. How hard could it be to make our own?
• Only five girls will make the party manageable.
• A cat is dying in the family room. No other possible explanation from the stream of squeals emerging from there.
• Pie has her first soccer practice the evening after her sleepover, two nights after getting back from New York. I’m sure she’ll be fine. So, her cleats are a little small. She’ll be so excited about soccer that I’m sure she won’t whine about that.
• Teen Beach Movie looks totally harmless. Nothing in there could possibly scare Pie.
• At least they’ll all sleep well tonight. They must have completely exhausted themselves.
• I’m sure I can stay up later than a bunch of tweens. How late could they possibly stay up?
• Hungry kids vs. coffee. I guess I better get them fed before I make the coffee.

Clean living? Try brownies for dinner (the girls ate the sushi, but damn, was it terrible!) and tonight, when the house is mine and soccer is done, Adam is making me a bourbon drink the size of my head. That is, if I don’t fall asleep first.

Me: What’s today?

11 year old: My birthday. August 23, 2014.

Me: How do you know it’s your birthday?

11 year old: Well I know that yesterday was August 22 and tomorrow is August 24, and according to my parents I was born on August 23, and because we are in between August 22 and August 24, it must be my birthday.

Me: How does it feel to be an eleven year old?

11 year old: Exactly as it was to be 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1.

Me: How did you spend your birthday?

11 year old: I went to this museum thingy [Sony Wonder Technology Lab] and I watched Guardians of the Galaxy.

Me: Did you like the movie?

11 year old: It was like a modern Star Wars.

Me: Is that good?

11 year old: Yeah!

Me: Do you think Star Wars aficionados might take offense at that?

11 year old: Why? It’s a great movie!

Me: Was it a good birthday?

11 year old: Yeah! I got a phone!

Me: What do you like to do these days?

11 year old: Computer programming. Learn Japanese.

Me: Can you be more specific on the computer programming?

11 year old: I like to program games in Unity3d. [Note: 11 year old fixed the spelling of Unity3d. Silly me, following the rules of punctuation.]

Me: What are your favorite books?

11 year old: Probably Lord of the Rings, Sparkers, Bakuman [manga].

Me: What are you listening to?

11 year old: Some K-Pop, bit of Hip Hop, bit of electro and dubstep. Martin Garrix, BIGBANG, Skrillex, Macklemore.

Me: What are your favorite things to watch?

11 year old: Big Bang Theory, Silicon Valley, Mad Magazine, Simpsons.

Me: Isn’t Silicon Valley inappropriate for your age?

11 year old: Yeah. Very.

Me: So why do you watch it?

11 year old: Because it’s funny.

Me: What kind of irresponsible person lets you watch it?

11 year old: My mom.

Me: Sounds like an irresponsible kind of mother.

11 year old: That’s you. You’re talking about yourself.

Me: Hmmm. What do you want to be when you grow up?

11 year old: Computer programer. Game programer.

Me: What are you looking forward to in 6th grade?

11 year old: No freakin’ idea.

Me: What do you think is going to be different this year?

11 year old: I’m going to a new school. I’m going to have to walk longer. That’s pretty much it.

Me: You’re going to middle school and the only difference is you’ll walk longer?

11 year old: I’ll walk longer. I’ll have my own locker with a lock. I’ll have a homeroom and separate classes.

Me: What are your goals as an 11 year old?

11 year old: To get to 12 year old.

Me: Any grand pronouncements?

11 year old: I’m awesome.

Me: What does “pronouncement” mean?

11 year old: Isn’t it like something like saying a big message. Right? Right?

Close enough. Happy birthday eleventh, Doodles!

[This blog post has been approved by Doodles.]

Me: What’s today?

Eight Year Old: August 25, 2013, also known as my birthday.

Me: How do you know?

Eight Year Old: Because I know.

Me: What did you do for your birthday?

Eight Year Old: I went to the Southwick Zoo with my family.

Me: What do you like to do these days?

Eight Year Old: Dance. Play soccer. Sing. Eat junk food. Eat fruits and vegetables. Go to exciting places and travel.

Me: What kind of exciting places? Eight Year Old: Like the Galapagos Islands and the park and the zoo and when you’re lost in a another country and your parents don’t know what to do!

Me: Does that happen often?

Eight Year Old: Yeah! It does happen often, Mommy.

Me: I don’t remember getting lost.

Eight Year Old:You don’t? Like when we look at a map and you say, “What direction are we going in?” Wait, did you write that down? Oh God!

Me: What are your favorite places to go?

Eight Year Old: My favorite place where I like to go is the Galapagos Island. Like travel right?

Me: Anywhere.

Eight Year Old: School. Home. New York. Different continents and countries. Stuff like that.

Me: What are your favorite books?

Eight Year Old: I like the Dork Diary series, the American Girl books, Kylie Jean and Heidi Heckelbeck and I really like Drama and Smile, which are books by the same author.

Me: What do you like to listen to?

Eight Year Old: I like Selena Gomez. Lady Gaga. Rhianna. And Nicki Minaj. Oh and I also like Ke$ha.

Me: What do you like to watch?

Eight Year Old: I like to watch Lab Rats. Phineas and Ferb. Project Runway. Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition. Dance Moms. Johnny Test. Brain Games. And Mad.

Me: Sounds like you have an irresponsible mom, letting you watch those reality shows.

Eight Year Old: No.

Me: It sounds like you have an irresponsible mom and a brother who controls the remote.

Eight Year Old: No and yes.

Me: What would you watch if you had your pick?

Eight Year Old: Johnny Test. Lab Rats. Brain Games. Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition. And Dance Moms.

Me: So your brother makes you watch Mad and your mother makes you watch Project Runway?

Eight Year Old: No, I like Project Runway. And I do like Mad, but I wouldn’t watch it if he didn’t live because I wouldn’t know about it. But I still like the other ones.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Eight Year Old: A writer. About animals. Which I will work out with my friend because she wants to be a vet. [whispering] Which is Jasmine.

Me: What are your goals as an eight year old?

Eight Year Old: To not be scared of spiders. To maybe raise some money for a charity. And just relax over the year.

Me: Do you have problems relaxing?

Eight Year Old: No, it’s just sometimes I get scared about stuff.

Me: Like what?

Eight Year Old: Like roller coasters, which I’m still scared of. Even though there are some very small ones. They’re still pretty fast.

Me: What are you looking forward to in third grade?

Eight Year Old: Doing my biography report. Because I already know what to do it on. I’m doing it on [omitted].

Me: You want me to put that in there?

Eight Year Old: Yes!

Me: But I thought you wanted to keep it a secret.

Eight Year Old: Right! Thank you for reminding me. Don’t put it in.

Me: Any grand pronouncements?

Eight Year Old: No.

Me: No?

Eight Year Old: What do you mean for a grand pronouncement?

Me: I explain it every year.

Eight Year Old: What’s a pronouncement?

Me: Let’s look it up. Because apparently every year I’m not doing a good job of explaining it. [Look up the word on M-W.com.]

Eight Year Old: Oh. Strawberries are awesome!

Excellent. Happy birthday, Pie!

Me: What’s today?

10 year old: My birthday

Me: How do you know it’s your birthday?

10 year old: Because we have stuff like calendars and computers and stuff and also I know because I know when camp ended and I knew certain days after that and blah blah blah.

Me: How does it feel to be a ten year old?

10 year old: Same as it felt to be a nine year old.

Me: How did you spend your birthday?

10 year old: Playing with laser tag, playing on the computer, and sorting Magic cards.

Me: By yourself?

10 year old: With friends. Well, laser tag with friends.

Me: Was it a good birthday?

10 year old: Yes.

Me: What do you like to do these days?

10 year old: Go on the computer. Play on the computer. Animate.

Me: Can you be more specific?

10 year old: Animate stuff, play Minecraft, code, do stuff on the Web.

Me: How do you animate and code?

10 year old: I use Komodo Edit for coding and I use Blender for animation.

Me: What are you coding and animating?

10 year old: Animating movies and coding just random projects.

Me: Like?

10 year old: I don’t know.

Me: What are your favorite books?

10 year old: I don’t know.

Me: What have you been reading lately?

10 year old: What have I been reading lately? Books. The Secret Series. House of Stairs.

Me: What are you listening to?

10 year old: Kiss 108.

Me: But who?

10 year old: The popular artists, I guess. Macklemore. Eyal Golan.

Me: What are your favorite things to watch?

10 year old: Phineas and Ferb. Mad. Lab Rats.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

10 year old: Computer programmer.

Me: What do you want to program?

10 year old: Stuff that will get me a lot of money.

Me: What are you looking forward to in 5th grade?

10 year old: Going on all the outings, like going to a sleepaway camp [science camp] and going to Canobie Park.

Me: What are your goals as a 10 year old?

10 year old: To… to… to… I don’t know.

Me: You can do better than that.

10 year old: I’m sure I can, but I don’t know. To fart less.

Me: Really?

10 year old: Fine! To code more stuff! To animate more stuff! Is that good?

Me: Any grand pronouncements?

10 year old: I am awesome.

Me: That’s the first year I didn’t have to tell you what a pronouncement is.

10 year old: Actually I still don’t know what it means. I just said that. It’s my default answer for anything I don’t know.

Me: We’ll buy you a dictionary. Happy birthday, Doodlebug!

Me: What’s today?

7 year old: My birthday.

Me: How do you know it’s your birthday?

7 year old: Because Mommy told me this morning.

Me: Did I actually tell you?

7 year old: You put on a birthday song to wake me up.

Q: Where are you?

7 year old: In Italy.

Me: Where?

7 year old: Venice.

Me: How many seven year olds spend their birthdays in Venice?

7 year old: I don’t know.

Me: Probably all the Venetian ones, huh? How will you be spending your birthday?

7 year old: I’m going to a glass-making place.

Me: What do you like to do these days?

7 year old: Singing and dance.

Me: What kind of dance?

7 year old: Ballet, tap, maybe hip hop

Me: What are your favorite books?

7 year old: American Girl Doll books. The Best Friends series.

Me: What are your favorite things to watch?

7 year old: Shake It Up. Craft Wars. Cupcake Wars. Oh yeah. Project Runway. It’s so hard to remember them when you haven’t watched them in a long time.

Me: What are your goals as a seven year old?

7 year old: To stop chewing my hair. And to grow my hair long without getting much haircuts.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

7 year old: I don’t actually know.

Me: What are you looking forward to in 2nd grade?

7 year old: The Japanese unit.

Me: Any grand pronouncements?

7 year old: No.

Me: Anything else?

7 year old: I think that’s good.

Happy birthday, Pie Pie!

Me: What’s today?

9 year old: My birthday.

Me: How does it feel to be a nine year old?

9 year old: I don’t know. I’ve only been awake for three hours.

Me: How do you know it’s your birthday?

9 year old: Because yesterday Mom told me that today is my birthday.

Me: Where are you?

9 year old: Poggibonsi, Tuscany, Italy.

Me: How will you be spending your birthday?

9 year old: Taking a train from Tuscany to Venuce, and then doing things there.

Me: What do you like to do these days?

9 year old: Play Lazer Tag. Um… I don’t know what else.

Dad: Who styles your hair?

Me: Wait, that’s not one of the questions. Okay, answer it.

9 year old: Your butts.

Me: That’s a 9 year old. What are your favorite books?

9 year old: That’s too hard to answer.

Me: What have you been reading lately?

9 year old: Artemis Fowl 2, 3, and 4.

Me: What are your favorite things to watch?

9 year old: Disney and Cartoon Network.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

9 year old: Um, the complete opposite of her [points to Pie].

Pie: I thought you wanted to be a scholar.

9 year old: Yeah, a scholar.

Me: What are you looking forward to in 4th grade?

9 year old: Uh, next summer vacation.

Q: What are your goals as a 9 year old?

9 year old: I don’t know.

Me: What kind of scholar doesn’t have goals?

9 year old: I’m not a scholar yet! I have to go and study and… uh thingys.

Me: Any grand pronouncements?

9 year old: What’s a pronouncement?

Me: And I thought this would be the year I wouldn’t have to explain what a “pronouncement” is.

9 year old: Is a “pronouncement” something you say before an announcement?

Me: Sort of.

9 year old: Then no. I have nothing to say.

Happy birthday, Doodlebug!

Two years ago, for my birthday, I got lice. And by “I,” I of course mean me, my daughter, and my son. I spent my birthday literally nitpicking. Last year I got Adam’s high school reunion with funky cold medinas and no cake. So I knew that [warning: TMI alert] when I went to the bathroom this morning and discovered my pee was red that clearly I had a kidney infection. What else can I expect from my birthday?

One Google search later and I had narrowed it down to two options: I either had Porphyria (a hereditary disease in which part of the hemoglobin is not made) or I had beets last night. A quick mental scan of the previous night revealed it was the latter.

We can stop right there. This birthday is a success. Let’s call it a day before anyone can screw it up.

No, no, the day turned out perfectly lovely, although not as blog-worthy as some people might have hoped. I got a solid morning of writing done (the second draft of my novel is on target to be finished in the next week), the girl and I had pedis, and then we all had a lovely dinner out. And, yes, there was cake. Of course for the “Are you one? Are you two? Are you three?” my boy had to be clever and count by tens. But I suppose that’s the logical thing to do when you have a middle-aged mom. (I said to the girl, “When Nana was my age, she had a daughter who was the same age she was when I was born.” The girl said, “Really? Who was the daughter!”)

And now I’m going to look over my booty, drink my whiskey sour, and revel in my middle-agedness. Happy old to me!

Ah, the first day of school. The little ones left. The not-so-little one bounded out the door, “By mom!” and I had to run to keep up with him. “Third grade is going to be cool!” he declared. The little-little one clung to my leg, sobbing, and had to be pried off by the principal and her teacher from last year. “I don’t want to go to first grade!” she cried.

And so it begins. The stress. The anxiety. The carpools. Tuesdays will be a real whammy with my delivering two children to Hebrew school and then another three to dance class. Yea, mini-van!

In the meantime, I’m a deer in the headlights, with so many things piled up—both literally (ack! Don’t even look at my desk) and figuratively—that I don’t know which way to turn. I have to write some comps for my agent, start the school newsletter, revive my committee at the synagogue, plan for Sunday’s eight-year-old animal birthday party, and generally do all the things that didn’t get done because I’ve had a child with me for the past, oh seven weeks solidly and a whole bunch of half days before that when the two had camp. Today is my first day alone in months and… well, to tell the truth, it’s a little lonely. But before I know it I’ll be back in the swing of things.

So, clearly, the first thing on my to-do list is procrastinate. Let me tell you what we’ve been up to!

• We had a whirlwind weekend in NYC with the grandparents. We went to the Intrepid, MOMA, the Strand (three times for me!), and ate a whole bunch.
• We are finally having our basement floor redone (remember those floods a year and a half ago? Well a year and a half of wet floors can cause a whole bunch of mold. Ew, I don’t even want to think what was under there!) so there are tile guys making lots of noise and coming in and out.
• And the most insane thing? Let me ask you, what kind of freakin’ idiot has a birthday party in the middle of a Tropical Storm? Oh, right. Us. Yes, Pie had her Little House on the Prairie party in the middle—the absolute middle!—of Tropical Storm Irene. But those brave parents didn’t mind. Out of 13 guests, only two decided not to brave the weather. We lost power for about fifteen minutes, but hey! No problem! There IS no power on the prairie! But it turned out well with indoor potato sack races, making butter and rag dolls, playing pin the wheel on the wagon.

Now I leave behind my summer of relaxation and get back to the grindstone. That outline for the next novel isn’t going to write itself. Where’s the Novel Fairy when you need her?

Me: So, what was today?

The girl: My birthday.

Me: How do you know?

The girl: Because I got birthday presents.

Me: You did?

The girl: Yeah. Also my mommy told me.

Me: How did you spend your birthday?

The girl: I went raspberry picking. I played on a playground. I went out for lunch. I came home and chilled out with Jasmine. I had Mr. Sushi for dinner. And then I had cake. And then I opened presents. And now I’m going to go to bed.

Me: What do you like to do these days?

The girl: Wellll….there’s nothing I really like to do. I just do anything I can do.

Me: Like what?

The girl: Like any days I’ll just play with something in my room and there’s lots of different stuff.

Me: What kind of stuff?

The girl: Like my American Girl doll. That’s pretty much what I like.

Me: What are your favorite books?

The girl: That’s a hard one. I like Critter. I like a bunch. I don’t have a particular.

Me: What are your favorite things to watch?

The girl: I like A.N.T. Farm. I like Shake It Up. I like Word World. Phineas and Ferb. That’s pretty much.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

The girl: I don’t really… I think I’m going to be a writer.

Me: What kind of writer?

The girl: Somebody who writes stories.

Me: What are you looking forward to in first grade?

The girl: I don’t really know much stuff so I can’t really say what I’m looking forward to.

Me: What are your goals as a six year old?

The girl: Try more stuff. Make friends. Have a better friendship with Daisies. Those are pretty much it right now.

Me: Any grand pronouncements?

The girl: What do you mean?

Me: Anything big you want to say?

The girl: Nope.

Me: Is that it? Anything else to say to your public?

The girl: Nope. What, you put “nope” on there? Why?

Me: What should I have put?

The girl: Okay, fine. You can do “nope.”

Me: You can go to sleep now.

The girl: Hey!

Me: Yeah?

The girl: Can I paint my nails tomorrow?

Me: Go to sleep!

Me: So, what’s today?

The boy: Today is Tuesday, August 23.

Me: Anything special about it?

The boy: It’s my birthday!

Me: How do you know?

The boy: I know because today I got to go Dunkin Donuts, which I never do, and I gotvpresents, and I know it’s my birthday because my mommy told me.

Me: What presents?

The boy: I’ve gotten a physics discovery science kit and I got a Greek myths book.

Me: Is that it?

The boy: Those are my presents so far. Yeah.

Me: Do you think more are coming?

The boy: Yes. Yes, I do.

Me: How can you be sure?

The boy: Because today I saw a box of presents under your bed.

Me: How do you know they aren’t for your sister’s birthday on Thursday?

The boy: I could tell by how they were wrapped.

Me: How would you tell?

The boy: There was some wrapped for boys and some for girls.

Me: Huh?

The boy: There was some with pink wrapping paper.

Me: I thought you liked pink.

The boy: I hate it.

Me: How will you be spending your birthday?

The boy: Doing science experiments.

Me: What are you working right now?

The boy: I’m working on a thing called “Change Your Ears Around.” [From 101 Great Science Experiments]

Me: We might go to a museum, too, right?

The boy: Yeah.

Me: What do you like to do these days?

The boy: What do I like to do these days? I don’t know.

Me: For fun.

The boy: I don’t know. Play with friends, I guess. Doing science stuff.

Me: What are your favorite books?

The boy: I don’t know.

Me: You’ve read a ton of books.

The boy: Yeah, so, I can’t remember some of them because I’ve read so many books. I like them all.

Me: What are a few things you’ve read recently.

The boy: I liked Hunchback of Notre Dame. I liked Alex Rider. I liked The Invention of Hugo Cabret. I also liked You Wouldn’t Want to be Joan of Arc: A Mission You Might Want to Miss. I liked the Horrible Histories books, too.

Me: What are your favorite things to watch?

The boy: Phineas and Ferb. Wipeout. Wizards of Waverly Place. A.N.T. Farm.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

The boy: I want to be an engineer.

The girl: Seriously! That’s a bad idea.

Me: Why! It’s a good idea! Engineer is a terrific job.

The girl: No! Because you can’t go to the bathroom because you’re driving a train. You can’t just say, “I’m going to stop and go to the bathroom!”

The boy: Engineers get paid well.

Me: What kind of engineer?

The boy: I don’t know. Any kind of engineer.

The girl: A train engineer?

The boy: No. I meant a technical engineer.

The girl: Oh! So you can stop and go to the bathroom! That’s better. Okay. Mom, you can erase that.

The boy: Technical engineers get paid well.And it’s a fun job.

The girl: Yeah, better than train engineers. And you can go to the bathroom. You can’t go to the bathroom if you’re a train engineer.

The boy: You can go to the bathroom between stops.

Me: What are you looking forward to in third grade?

The boy: Having Mr. Schersten. Learning new stuff and being in a new class. I know we’re going to study the planets and math and that kind of stuff.

Me: Don’t you get a special day in third grade? Don’t I have to start sewing?

The boy: Oh, yeah! There’s Colonial Day. So we’re going to learn about history.

Me: Any grand pronouncements?

The boy: No. What’s a prouncement again?

Me: I explain this every year! Any big statements?

The boy: Yea! I’m eight!

Me: Is that it? Anything else to say to your public?

The boy: Good-bye! See you next year when I’m nine!