Boston is famous for its drivers. We even have a special term for them. They’re called Massholes. For me, personally, though, the word uttered most frequently while driving is “a$$wipe.” I don’t know where the word came from. I don’t know why I say it. I never use the term outside of my car. But inside the car, the a$$wipes fly freely.
Today for example. Driving home from Cambridge. At rush hour. One car cuts me off, another stops at a yellow, and another hangs out in the box.
Me: Godd*amn, motherf&%$* a$$wipe! Freakin’ a$$wipe drivers.
The boy: Why do you call them that?
Me: Because they are. Every freakin’ last one of those drivers out there is an a$$wipe. All drivers are a$$wipes.
The boy: You’re a driver. So you’re an a$$wipe.
Me: Not me. I’m not an a$$wipe. Every other driver is an a$$wipe. And you shouldn’t be saying “a$$wipe.”
The girl: Daddy drives.
Me: Yeah, and he’s an a$$wipe when he drives.
The girl: Are you saying Beetle is an a$$wipe?
Me: No. Well, unless she’s driving. Then, yeah, I guess she’s one too. I don’t think you’re understanding. Everyone who is not me behind a wheel is an a$$wipe.
The girl: Beetle says that her husband is a crazy driver!
Me: Probably is.
The girl: So is he an a$$wipe?
Me: I really don’t think you should be saying that word.
The boy: Yeah. You should say “jacka$$” instead.
Me: No, not that either.
The boy: Why not?
Me: People tend not to like it when you say “a$$” anything.
The boy: What about a$$ idiot?
Me: Yeah, not that either. “A$$” is pretty much out.
The boy: Oh.
Guy freakin’ cuts me off again.
Me: A$$wipe!!
The girl: Mom!
Me: I’m a grown-up! Leave me alone. I’ll give you sugar when we get home.
I’m practicing my parenting speech as I type…. (And how many readers did I lose with this post?)
